|
|
Bailiff: Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today to witness case number
45634265332478546358345743584892675843675269AVSBFULMYNSUNBEBDYVEHMOY.
All rise for the cryogenically preserved disembodied head of Judge Judy.
Ha ha made you rise.
[judge enters]
Judge: All sit,
all rise, sit, rise, sit, rise, sit, rise, sit, rise, I love this job.
Our first prostitutor, I mean prosecutor is Philo.
[Philo stands]
Philo: Illia, who
we are prosecuting scored 99.1% on her pre test. She was then put into
special classes and given special tutors. For 5 years she took these classes
so she could become our greatest leader. Then she took her test and scored
65.6%. How could this happen? She had the best teachers in the state. Is
this the fault of a boy named Damien? NO!! A boy named Daxon is to blame.
[screaming] Daxon
caused Illia to cheat on her test! [normal
tone] We know she could have achieved 100%
[screaming] but
she got 65.6 so she and Daxon could be married and have children. That's
why she did it. [normal tone]
I will not rest until she is put to death for her crime. I now call her
to the stand.
[Illia goes to the stand]
Bailliff: Do you
swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, [Grippo
burps] and nothing but the truth so help you
Belini our most exalted God?
Illia: Yes
Philo: Illia is
it true you cheated on your test?
Illia: No it is
not.
Philo: How did you
get such a low mark compared to your pre test mark?
Illia: I did the
best that I could do.
Philo: The best
that you could do is 100%
Illia: My best is
65.6
Philo: After you
had 99.1% I think not. Sit down. [Illia sits]
I'm done. [Philo sits]
Judge: Thank you
Philo. All rise. [every one rises]
Ha ha made you all rise. [everyone sits] [screaming]
I NEVER TOLD YOU ALL TO SIT!! [everyone jumps
from their seats] I never said get back up
either. [everyone sits]
Our next prosecutor is [pause] [loud]
Alicon.
Alicon: 33.5 marks
is how many marks Illia lost. Over 5 years you don't just lose 33.5 marks
when you're put into special classes. Illia deserves a terrible penalty
like running a string factory. Illia is my first witness.
Bailliff: Do you
swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, [Grippo
burps] and nothing but the truth so help you
Belini our most exalted God?
Illia: Yes.
Alicon: Illia, if
that's your real name, is it you're real name?
Illia: Actually
my name is Illiatinsplotinsnot.
Alicon: [surprised]
Oh, well then umm, we gave you the best tutors in the state and you let
us down and got many people fired because of your score what do you have
to say for yourself hmm.
Illia: I did my
best.
Alicon: How did
your score decrease so much?
Illia: I didn't
answer some questions right.
Alicon: Why not?
Illia: I didn't
know the answers.
Alicon: [to
himself] Uh oh I'm in trouble time for the
A material [pulls out picture of Yoda] [outloud]
[quickly] Ladies
and Gentlemen of the supposed jury this is Yoda. Yoda is the Jedi Master,
he's a 3 foot tall Jedi Master that can pick people up just by raising
his hand. Yoda died. Luke Skywalker ate him. What caused Luke Skywalker
to eat Yoda? It makes no sense. Why am I talking about this? It makes no
sense. Ladies and Gentlemen I am making no sense. Why am I not making sense?
I
don't know, It doesn't make any sense. So when
you are penalizing Illia ask yourself. Does it make sense? [screaming]
NO! It doesn't make sense. [Alicon
sits down]
[Illia sits]
Judge: Thank you
Alicon. All rise. Ha ha made you rise. All sit. Ha ha made you sit. All
burn your pants. Next is Grippo.
[Grippo stands]
Grippo: [drunken
voice] For my first witness [falls]
I call [stands]
Cap'n Crunch.
Bailliff: Do you
swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, [Grippo
burps] and nothing but the truth so help you
Belini our most exalted God?
Cap'n Crunch: Yes I do.
Grippo: [loud burp]
[falls] Uhhh.
Judge: We will finish
the trial tomorrow due to the unsoberness of Grippo.
Grippo: I'm not
as think as you drunk I am. [vomits]
[next day]
Judge: All rise.
All stand on your chairs. Ha ha made you stand on your chair. All sit.
Grippo are you sober today?
Grippo: Yes I am.
Judge: Well start.
Grippo: We all know
that Illia cheated on her test. She was capable of 100 but she cheated
to get a lower mark so she could have children. She deserves the ultimate
penalty, feeding her to a pack of Russian cannibals. My first witness is
Illia.
Bailiff: Do you
swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so
help you Belini our most exalted God?
Grippo: Illia, how
do you plead?
Illia: I get on
my knees and beg for mercy.
Grippo: Guilty or
not guilty?
Illia: What was
my first choice?
Grippo: [yelling]
Guilty.
Illia: I am not.
Grippo: So you're
not guilty.
Illia: Yes.
Grippo: Do you know
a Daxon?
Illia: Yes I know
a Daxon.
Grippo: How did
you know this so called Daxon?
Illia: He went to
my school.
Grippo: I see. Were
you two friends?
Illia: Yes we were.
Grippo: So you and
a boy named Daxon knew eachother from a place called school. I guess that
says it all. Case closed [sits down]
Philo: [low
voice] That didn't do anything.
Grippo: [yelling]
DRATS!!
Judge: Our next
prosecutor is named after the greatest thing my husband ever took, Viagra.
[Vegra stands]
Vegra: [yelling]
My name is Vegra, v-e-g-r-a.
Judge: Well it says
here your name is Viagra.
Vegra: [angry]
Well it is a mis-print.
Judge: Bailiff.
Vegra: [yelling]
You can't do this!
Judge: I can talk
to the bailiff whenever I want to. Change that to Vegra. [hands
bailiff sheet]
Vegra: Illia scored
99.1% on her pre test. She got 65.6 on her test which shocked many people,
after all she did have the best tutors. She cheated on her test to get
a lower mark so she and Daxon could have children. I think the death penalty
isn't
enough. Her sentence when found guilty should
be a lifetime of torture, she shall have to listen the Backstreet Boys
and Hanson for the the rest of her life all day everyday. Ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha!
Illia: [screaming]
NO! Anything but that!
Vegra: My first
witness is Daxon!
[Daxon stands]
Bailiff: Do you
swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so
help you Belini our most exalted God?
Vegra: Daxon why
don't you want to go to Mars and get married to a women there?
Daxon: Because I
want to stay here with Sara... I mean Illia.
Vegra: Did you make
Illia cheat on her test?
Daxon: No I did
not.
Vegra: Do you think
she cheated on her test?
Daxon: No.
Vegra: Are you lying?
Daxon: No.
Vegra: Are you sure
you're not lying?
Daxon: Yes.
Vegra: So you're
lying?
Daxon: No.
Vegra: Did you send
her love letters?
Daxon: yes.
Vegra: How many?
Daxon: 8.
Vegra: Can you tell
us what they said?
Daxon: Yes.
Vegra: Will you
tell us what they said?
Daxon: No.
Vegra: Why not?
Daxon: Because of
the sexual topics.
Vegra: Are you a
virgin?
Daxon: Yes.
Vegra: No further
questions. My next witness is Theona.
[Daxon sits] [Theona stands]
Bailiff: Do you
swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so
help you Belini our most exalted God?
Theona: Yes.
Vegra: State your
name.
Theona: I am Xena
warrior princess.
Vegra: Really?
Theona: [sadly
and slowly] Well I'd like to be.
Vegra: How do you
know Illia?
Theona: I met her
9 months after me and my husband had an accident with the viagra.
Vegra: Where did
you meet her?
Theona: The hospital
after I gave birth.
Vegra: How old was
Illia after she was taken away from you?
Theona: She was
3 years old.
Vegra: Do you think
she takes drugs?
Theona: Only ones
to enlarge her breasts.
Vegra: Where is
her father?
Theona: He died.
Vegra: How did he
die?
Grippo: Illia killed
him when she was almost 3.
Vegra: How did she
kill him?
Theona: She set
our coffee maker on auto and when he went to get a cup of coffee it exploded
and killed him.
Vegra: That is all.
My next witness is the cryogenically preserved head of Jerry Springer.
[Theona sits] [Jerry stands]
Bailiff: Do you
swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so
help you Belini our most exalted God?
Jerry: Yes i do,
Vegra weren't you on my show once? That time the show was called "Mom,
Dad, I'm a Transsexual"
Vegra: Yes now on
with the case. How do you know Illia?
Jerry: She is my
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great granddaughter.
Vegra: So Illia
is your great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great granddaughter?
Jerry: Correct,
she is my great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great granddaughter.
Vegra: Do you think
your great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great granddaughter Illia would ever cheat on her test?
Jerry: No my great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great granddaughter would never cheat on her test.
Vegra: Does your
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great granddaughter Illia planning to marry Daxon.
Jerry: Correct.
If my great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great
- great - great granddaughter married Daxon I'd be proud to call him my
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great - great -
great - great grandson in-law.
Vegra: Did she ever
mention wanting to cheat on the test?
Jerry: No she did
not.
Vegra: Did she ever
mention wanting kids.
Jerry: No she did not.
Vegra: No further
questions. My next witness is Illia
[Jerry leaves] [Illia stands up]
Bailiff: Do you
swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so
help you Belini our most exalted God?
Illia: Yes
Vegra: Well Illia
why did you cheat on your test?
Illia: I didn't
cheat on my test.
Vegra: Then who
cheated on your test?
Illia: No one did.
Vegra: Then how
was your test cheated on?
Illia: It wasn't.
Vegra: Are you nervous?
Illia: A bit.
Vegra: No further
questions. My next witness is Herko the Former Captain of the California
Quakes.
[Illia sits] [Herko stands]
Bailiff: Do you
swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so
help you Belini our most exalted God?
Herko: Yes.
Vegra: How do you
know Illia the cheater?
Herko: I was her
tutor when I wasn't at a Roller Jam and beating Mark D'Amato.
Vegra: Would she
ever cheat on her test.
Herko: She might
if she was told to.
Vegra: Did you or
anyone tell her to cheat?
Herko: No.
[Fidel Castro runs into the courtroom]
Castro: Stop the
election! Cuba is...
Judge: Castro this
is a courtroom not an election.
Castro: Sorry, my
bad.
Judge: Continue
Vegra.
Vegra: As I was
about to say...
[The cryogenically preserved disembodied head
of Ken Hitchcock runs into he courtroom]
Hitchcock: Stop
the trial. Illia is innocent and I can prove it.
Judge: Take the stand.
[Hitchcock goes to the stand]
Hitchcock: The Illia
that scored 99.1 was killed by gremblins 3 days after her pre test. Everyone
thought that that Illia was the same one so they put her into special classes.
On her pre test she had 4. Case closed.
[Hitchcock leaves the courtroom]
Theona: That explains
why the impostor Illia is black.
Jury: We find that
this trial makes no sense and the Illia is innocent on all charges.
Judge: All charges
on Illia are dropped. All the prosecutors are sentenced to death by listening
to Backstreet Boys music.
[everyone leaves]
The end
some of you may not know who Ken Hitchcock or
Mark D'Amato are. Ken Hitchcock is the Head Coach of the Dallas Stars hockey
team. Mark D'Amato is the captain of the New York Enforcers Roller Jam
team.
